Finding the other half
sometimes catch the light dancing off the golden circlet around my ring finger. As I pause to look at the wedding band, I remember once again just how God, out of His love for us, brought my other half and me to each other. Our journey to matrimony was filled with a deep sense of wonder and joy from seeing God’s guidance.
But certainly, there were times when I felt unsure. At the early stages of getting to know each other, I questioned if my other-half-to-be was the right one. In the years before our paths had even crossed, when I was single, I wondered, “Has God really prepared a partner for me?” Or when I felt infatuated with someone from time to time, I struggled with my confusion: “Could this person be the one?”
“How do you know who is the one?” Many people who are in the process of finding their other half ask this all-too-familiar question. Let me pass onto you what I have learned from my own journey and from others who have graciously shared their wisdom with me along the way.
Turning to God As the First Step
I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the advice over the years, “Seek God’s will in finding your spouse,” and dismissed it as irrelevant. For many years, I saw myself as the owner of my destiny, particularly when it came to love, dating, and choosing the right person to marry. At first it seemed absurd to me to consider God in the process. I thought, “If I do not need God to choose my friends, why do I need Him to choose whom I like, date, or eventually marry? I have enough good sense to know who is right for me.” I knew what I was looking for in a man. So finding my other half seemed only a matter of waiting for the one who met my criteria and going with my gut feeling.
But it was not that simple. No matter how much a guy appeared to be a good catch, something always seemed to be missing. For reasons I did not know initially, I could never feel completely sure about someone. Of course, I could be swept off my feet by someone’s intelligence, good looks, athletic ability, high morals, or charming personality. I could even envision a wonderful life to come based on what I knew and saw. But I could never be sure of what tomorrow might bring or how someone might change in several years. Would his endearing qualities become intolerable with familiarity and routine? Would unexpected life-stress somehow poison the way we see each other? Would he really remain true and devoted for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, in an age when divorce or separation is becoming the rule, not the exception?
Over time, I realized that my criteria for today could not guarantee happiness for a lifetime. I could not see into the future to know whether I was making a foolproof decision at the start. It became clear that the reason I could not feel certain about someone was because God was missing from the equation. Only God can see and know the future. Without divine guidance and approval of my steps, it was no wonder I could not be sure if someone was truly right for me today, tomorrow, and beyond. After many years, I finally understood why it is so important to turn to God for guidance as the first step in finding the right person.
Putting God’s Teachings First
Knowing the importance of seeking God’s will first does not automatically translate into knowing God’s will. Just because I asked God for guidance did not mean that I suddenly received enlightenment from above. God was out of my reach, and first I had to learn to draw myself closer to God before I could detect His will. The Scripture states plainly, “Anyone who runs ahead and does not continue in the teaching of Christ does not have God; whoever continues in the teaching has both the Father and the Son” (2 John 1:9 ,NIV). Apostle Paul also wrote, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God” (Rom 12:2).
Clearly, whether or not we can have God’s abidance and guidance in the process of finding our other half has everything to do with our obedience to His teachings. Think about the seriousness of these verses-we do not have God if we do not live by His teachings! We would be walking in total darkness and have no chance of seeing His guiding light. How important it is, then, to follow the desires and standards of God, not those of this world, so that we may be within reach of His will!
It took me a long time to recognize that I was using a secular mindset in searching for a spouse, which was not biblical. I thought that what I was looking for was completely good and natural. After all, everyone around me lived by these standards. Who would’t judge beauty by outward appearance, define love by feelings of attraction, or determine compatibility based mostly on personality factors? Who would think it so sinful to “broaden our options” by looking for a match outside the church?
But God’s standards are different. “For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Sam 16:7). God sees purity, reverence, and “the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” in wives as more valuable than beauty from any outward adornment (1 Pet 3:2-4). In addition, the scriptures remind us that love is more than just a feeling we have; it is part of the spiritual fruit we cultivate with the help of the Spirit (Gal 5:22). We are able to love in a complete sense only when God abides fully with us. God repeatedly instructs His believers to keep holy and be separate from unbelievers. He considers it detestable if we indiscriminately intermarry with unbelievers out of our passion alone.
In order to draw myself closer to God, then, I needed to examine for the first time the attitudes and values that I had grown accustomed to. It meant learning humility so I could let go of my preferences and let in God’s teachings. It also meant learning more about God’s teachings so I could know what the correct way is. “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them” (Eph 2:10). Finding the right person became finding the person with whom mutual giving of spiritual support and encouragement “to do good works” is possible; it was no longer about fulfilling my wish for romance and a good worldly future.
It was not until I was willing to look for a spouse in a manner that pleases God that I could begin to sense God’s abidance and guidance. Make no mistake about it: putting God’s teachings above our own desires in our search for a spouse may be one of the most painful and challenging experiences in our lives. But we know that we will not undergo it in vain because when we resist the devil, submit ourselves to God, and come near to Him, He will come near to us (Jas 4:7-8).
The Importance of Prayer
Throughout the Bible, we see repeatedly how God guides His people with His Spirit. It seems clear, then, that prayer should be our key to understanding God’s will. Indeed, in their ministry to preach the gospel to all people, the apostles always received clear guidance from the Holy Spirit, which led them to do certain things but stopped them from doing others. But this kind of guidance seems magical, almost unreal, in light of how frequently we are confused about God’s will today, especially in our search for our other half. It is puzzling that the Spirit of God that dwells within us today is the same one that guided the apostles two thousand years ago with such power and conviction. What happened to the power and conviction? Why do we often pray and yet not understand God’s will?
Consistency. It does not take much effort to see how our life of prayer differs from that of Jesus and the apostles. Jesus fasted for forty days and nights in order to attain power from above and closeness with God. From day to day, He lived a consistent life of prayer. Likewise, the apostles prayed frequently, fervently, and often in one accord. We, by contrast, only manage occasionally to have even one fervent prayer. Most of the time, our prayers consist of a few words of hurried thanksgiving before meals and a short, tired monologue before we drift off to sleep for the night. No wonder we get no answer when we pray. How can we receive anything from God if our line of communication to Him has been severed due to our laziness and spiritual stupor? Therefore, reestablishing and strengthening our lifeline to God should be our highest priority, even before we begin the process of looking for a spouse. Without that strong, direct channel of communication with God, we cannot know His will for our match.
A Clear Mind. It is not enough simply to spend a certain amount of time in prayer each day. When it comes to matters of the heart, praying with a clear mind can be a tough and necessary challenge to overcome. “Should I call him or wait for him to call?” “She looked at me in a certain way, so does that mean something?” “I have never felt so much in love before. Is this a sign of approval from God?” On and on, the questions may surface in our mind. Our prayer ceases to be a dialogue with God, but instead becomes a confusing, emotion-filled self-babble. The Bible exhorts, “Be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray” (1 Pet 4:7, NIV). Sometimes, we may need to pray first for strength to control our minds and to keep our feelings in check so that our prayers can be fruitful.
Faith. To receive anything from God, we also need to pray with unwavering faith. The Bible speaks about the importance of having faith when we pray: “But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord” (James 1:6-7, NIV). It may be difficult to maintain our faith in God’s providence if we have waited for a long time without seeing any hints of something promising. It may also be challenging to await God’s answer with unwavering faith when we don’t know what His response will look like. His answer may come in a vision, a dream, or a direct revelation through an extraordinary event. But it may also be less concrete, as in a conviction we sense in our heart. How, then, can we know God’s will?
Interestingly, Jesus did not teach His disciples the different secrets to understanding God’s will. He simply instructed them to pray for the Holy Spirit and that when the Spirit of truth comes, He will guide them into all truth (Jn 16:13). Filled with the Holy Spirit, the apostles did know God’s will very clearly throughout their ministry. Therefore, rather than concerning ourselves with how God will reveal His answer to us, we need to believe fully that the Holy Spirit is our Counselor and will guide us into the truth concerning God’s will for our marriage. With this faith, we ought to pray for complete indwelling of the Spirit and prepare ourselves for instructions from the Counselor.
As much as we need to pray and approach God with faith, we also need to respond to God’s guidance with faith, in order to understand who is the right one for us to marry. It takes faith to follow God’s will to begin or continue with a relationship even though we initially feel reluctant. “Do not put out the Spirit’s fire” (1 Thess 5:19, NIV), the Scripture warns. We may need to follow the will of God against our preferences by learning to trust fully in the Lord and to wait patiently for the goodness of His plan to unfold over time. Maybe that very quality that we dislike so much in a potential match will actually help us, in time, to recognize our own shortcomings and intolerance. We would not find out unless we follow God’s lead in faith.
Be the Right Person
Most of us approach marriage by asking if someone is right for us. We prefer to find someone who meets our criteria and can make us happy. Interestingly, nowhere in the Bible does God instruct men to look for a spouse with particular traits, or women to seek a certain kind of marriage partner. The focus instead is always on ourselves, not our other half. The Bible teaches husbands to love their wives as their own body, and to sacrifice themselves for their wives as Christ did for the church. This teaching is given as a standard that husbands should require of themselves. Likewise, wives are to submit to and respect their husbands as the head of the family. This is an attitude that wives should cultivate within themselves, not one that they impose on their husbands.
This focus serves as a sobering reminder for us all. As much as we should seek God’s will in leading us to the right marriage partner, we should also place the critical eye on ourselves, not our potential match. We should ask if we have those qualities that we seek in our other half. Do we possess gentleness? patience? Do we place spiritual qualifications before earthly ones? Do we forgive easily? Do we make it our life’s goal to glorify God in everything we do? It is no coincidence that God does not teach us to demand that our spouse treat us in a certain way. No one could ever be the right person for us if all we did was demand and criticize, but not give. It is by giving first that we can inspire our spouse to respond by giving. It is by giving first that we can begin the loving cycle of unselfish caring, and experience profound intimacy, joy, and wonder with our other half. It is by giving first that we can continue to be the right one for our mate and experience him or her as the right one for us.
How do you know who is the one when you look for your other half? Some people rely on their gut feeling. Others go with their rational sense. And there are those who are never quite sure and forever wonder, “Is this the one?” or “Have I married the right one?” Struggling to find my own answer, I saw no clarity to this enigma until I realized that knowing who is the one has everything to do with knowing God. It was that simple and that complicated at the same time. A simple notion, yes. But it took me a lot of time and effort to learn that to truly know God means knowing what it takes to get close to Him. It means knowing what we need to do to understand His will and guidance in our marriage. It also means putting into practice all that we know and believe with unwavering faith so that we will recognize the right person as our other half.
Adam needed no special explanation from God to know immediately that Eve was “the bone of his bones, the flesh of his flesh.” We, too, will respond with the same certainty, joy, and wonder when we at last recognize God’s guidance in leading us to our other half.
From Isaac to Jacob
One topic that has caused countless debates at slumber parties, fellowships, and other gatherings is finding the most correct path to marriage according to the Bible. Almost always, these juicy discussions leave us with many interesting anecdotes and personal testimonials, but few insights into what the Bible actually says on the matter. Since this subject concerns all of us, let’s try to find out what the scriptures teach.
The stories of Isaac and Jacob in the Book of Genesis are often used to illustrate the two main paths to marriage, with Isaac representing matchmaking and Jacob representing dating. To some people, Isaac is the epitome of a godly son who showed his perfect faith by submitting to God and allowing his marriage to be arranged, while Jacob is the fleshly one who chased love solely out of his own desires. Conversely, others view Jacob as the father of dating, whose wonderful example encourages us to fall in love with someone we have freely chosen. In this view, Isaac is backward and unromantic.
Putting God in the Equation
Contrary to what many people think, the Bible actually does not favor either matchmaking or dating as the only path to marriage. It does not judge either Isaac or Jacob as “better”; instead, it records that both men have a tremendous amount of obedience and faith.
Although Jacob’s way is often regarded as being driven by personal preferences alone, in fact Jacob chose his mate according to his parents’ specific instructions and God’s commandment to marry among His chosen people. When he was living in the land of the Canaanites, Jacob kept himself separate from them. Unlike his brother Esau, who freely chose his wife from among the Gentiles, Jacob refrained from courting any Canaanite woman. He did not begin to look for a wife until his parents instructed him to choose one from among their own people.
Jacob could wait when he needed to and act when instructed to because he was submissive to God’s teachings and had unwavering faith in divine providence. Although he ultimately chose someone on his own, he did so in accordance with God’s timing and commandments.
Likewise, Isaac’s actions reflected his unquestioning faith, humility, and obedience to God. Without ever having seen Rebecca, Isaac joyfully took her as his wife. He humbly believed that divine providence would be more perfect than his own actions, and so with obedience and faith he accepted the girl brought to him by his servant. And considering the fact that his mother had just passed away, Isaac’s act of faith is even more remarkable. In his sadness and loneliness, Isaac did not seek a mate for his own comfort. Instead, the Bible records that he “went out to meditate in the field” (Gen 24:63). Most likely, Isaac meditated often on the Word of God, prayed in his solitude, and quietly waited for God’s guidance.
Both Isaac and Jacob put their faith in God’s teachings ahead of their own wishes and of external influences. The same principle applies to our own path to marriage today. Although the ways chosen by Isaac and Jacob share certain qualities, they also have different challenges. Whether we find someone on our own and get to know that person through dating, or we begin a relationship through matchmaking, the most important thing is that we follow the examples of both Isaac and Jacob by acting with humility, faith, and obedience to God. Then, like Isaac and Jacob, we too will be rewarded with love, beauty, and perfect companionship in our future marriages.
Challenge of Matchmaking
Waiting
For those who choose to follow the path of matchmaking, the initial waiting period can be a trying one. As time passes, it is easy for even the most faithful to get discouraged. What should they do then? The scriptures encourage us:
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:6-7)
Prayers and prayerful meditations helped to quiet Isaac’s bereaved heart and enabled him to entrust his cares unto the Lord. In turn, God provided him with Rebecca, whom he loved and found comfort in after his mother’s death (Gen 24:67).
Challenges of Dating
Holiness
Dating also has its challenges. One of the biggest issues concerns holiness. When we date someone who makes our heart flutter, we would naturally wish to get physically close with that person—hold hands, kiss, embrace intimately, caress, and, at the extreme, to have sex. But are these activities permissible? The Bible leaves no room for argument regarding premarital sex. However, it does not directly identify the other acts as sins. In a world that condones sex in any context and at any age, many Christians are confused about whether these activities are innocent expressions of love or just lustful behaviors. It is important to look at what the Bible says about these issues.
From antiquity, God has called his people to be holy (Lev 11:44) and to exercise self-control over lustful desires:
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God… For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. (1 Thess 4:3-5, 7)
God requires his believers to behave with complete holiness. Even a slightly lustful act that may be viewed as “romantic” by secular trends goes against God’s commandments. Sure, we could provide countless reasons why any of these “romantic gestures” may be acceptable to God. Perhaps we could boast of ironclad self-control or unshakable faith. But let us keep in mind that we are accountable to God, not to other people. Social norms and rationalizations cannot alter God’s standards.
We need to be completely honest with ourselves and ask whether or not we could kiss, hold hands, and “make out” with someone and then stand before God with a clear conscience. For most of us, once we open ourselves to even small physical gestures of affection, we will begin to think about, desire, and/or engage in more intense, prolonged, and frequent physical acts.
Think about what it would be like to drive a car at eighty miles per hour and then suddenly shift the gear into reverse. It would be just as absurd to think that we could stop our sexual desires after we’ve built them up over time. Moreover, if we were to become physically intimate with someone we’re dating but eventually break up with, in the future could we stand before our spouse without guilt or shame? If we do not consider these questions when we date, our actions may feed on fleshly desires.
The Bible warns against acting without godly forethought:
Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, / And let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth; / Walk in the ways of your heart, / And in the sight of your eyes; / But know that for all these God will bring you into judgment. (Eccl 11:9)
Therefore, if we choose to date, we need to be completely honest with ourselves and decide ahead of time how we can stay holy. We may find that the only safe solution is not to engage in even the slightest physical gestures of affection.
Timing
Another big challenge in dating is timing. Jacob began to date only after he had reached a marriageable age and had received clear instructions from his parents. This is in agreement with God’s teachings. In contrast, most of us begin to date as soon as we feel a special chemistry with someone. Driven by our raging hormones, we often do not consider the two key elements in choosing a mate: our readiness and God’s will.
If we are still too young or financially dependent on our parents, marriage is a distant reality. Should we then spend these years battling either heartbreak or the temptation to get physical? Would this not be a waste of our youth, when we could apply ourselves to more worthy endeavors and nourish our emotional wellspring for the one whom we will later marry?
If we think we’re ready to begin a relationship, we should seek God’s will. When we rely solely on our own preferences, we may not be able to see that the person we’ve chosen is not suitable for us. Months or years of courtship may end in heartache, because the relationship began against God’s will.
Instead of relying on our own desires and wishes, we should first seek God’s timing and guidance. It may mean being patient and waiting for God to inspire us about the rightness or appropriate timing of a relationship through prayer or the scriptures. It may mean having the humility to listen to what God tells us through a family member, a pastor, or a friend. It may also mean cultivating our spirituality to a higher level so that we can easily sense God’s instructions. If we have the faith to seek God’s will before we begin a relationship, He will surely instruct and abide with us at the right time.
A Successful Marriage: from First to Last
A successful marriage is one of God’s great blessings. Naturally, we all want to know which path–matchmaking or dating–leads to a better marriage. The Apostle Paul said that salvation is completed only when we maintain our faith “from first to last” (Rom 1:17, NIV). This same persistence applies to marriage. It is important to approach marriage with faith and God’s guidance. It is even more important to continue one’s marriage in faith and with divine abidance. Without God, it would be difficult to sustain love, for the Bible clearly tells us that love is more than a feeling. Feelings ebb and flow, but scripture-defined love is constant and absolute:
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. (1 Cor 13:4-8)
Therefore, what contributes most to a loving and lasting relationship is what we continue to do after the marriage ceremony. We should not be concerned only with which path we take to get to the altar, for whether we choose Isaac’s path of an arranged marriage or Jacob’s path of courtship, our primary focus should be to place God’s will and teachings above our own, to seek His guidance, and to act by faith and with obedience. A blessed marriage is completed by divine abidance and a lifelong commitment to love our spouse in the way that God defines perfect love, through every season of life.
